The Mental Funny Bone

Episode 55: Self-Help Yourself to A Little Hard Work

• Gaster Girls • Season 6 • Episode 10

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Welcome to The Mental Funny Bone! In this episode, Sarah, Christine, and Becca dive into the messy, hilarious, and honest side of self-help and mental health. From awkward jiu-jitsu stories and the realities of personal growth, to generational differences in self-improvement and the pitfalls of “toxic self-help,” the hosts share real talk, laughter, and a few hard truths.

They discuss the importance of doing the actual work (not just reading the books), setting boundaries, and building a personal “toolbox” for tough times. Plus, there’s plenty of banter, pet cameos, and relatable moments about family, friendship, and finding contentment in the chaos.

If you’re looking for a podcast that normalizes the mess, makes you laugh, and reminds you that growth is hard but worth it—hit play and join the conversation!

How to find mental health help when you're struggling. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
https://washingtoncountyhumanservices.com/agencies/behavioral-health-developmental-services
https://www.alleghenycounty.us/Services/Human-Services-DHS/Publications/Resource-Guides
Apps - Just search mental health where you get your apps.
EAP programs are a great place to look for help!!

Additional Resources (Sports Related):
https://globalsportmatters.com/health/2020/12/04/mental-health-resources-2/

Sarah:

Welcome to The Mental Funny Bone, a podcast where something meets something. Mental health meets humor, heart and healthy dose of laughter. We are here to talk about the tough stuff, laugh at the awkward stuff, and remind you and ourselves it's okay to not be okay. So settle in, take a breath, and let's normalize the mess. One ridiculous fucking story and real conversation at a time. My name is Sarah.

Chris:

Amen. My name is Christine and I am Sarah's sister, and I'm gonna let our intern introduce herself.

Becca:

Hi, I'm Becca, the intern.

Chris:

Here's Becca, the intern. Yes. Welcome to the Mental Funny Bone. And surprisingly this isn't an interview with somebody. Super interesting. That's just the three of us this week. Yay. Yay. I'm so excited too,'cause I have so much pent up stuff to talk about that I can't talk about in front of strangers. Aw.

Sarah:

We definitely won't have time for her caster story, then

Chris:

we won't. Um, do you guys want a Juujitsu update right off the bat?

Sarah:

Abso fucking, absolutely. I

Becca:

was hoping for one of these, but I never wanted to ask because I didn't want you to feel embarrassed to talk about it. But you said updates and I was like, Ooh. I said

Sarah:

I I would really like a BJJ to start my,

Chris:

just start, start my

morning.

Chris:

Wouldn't we all Just a quick B jj. Mm-hmm. Um, I don't know if you guys on YouTube will notice that I do not have pretty hands anymore because it turns out that when, when you fight someone at Jiujitsu, you're grabbing them. And what you come away with often is their skin under your nails. And I. Was super grossed out about that. And then I felt really bad because I had clawed somebody because for a little while I was like, oh yeah, well, short nails, that's just for the boys, like, Becca, are you growling?

Sarah:

I thought that was my belly for a second. I was like, I'm

Becca:

so sorry. I was not expecting him to do that, and I thought I had my mute on. Sorry. I No, I feel like that's

Sarah:

perfect. I'm super excited. We will just say that that was my belly,

Chris:

right? No, no one likes skin under their fingernails, but I thought it was just for the boys and I actually, and I don't know why I thought it was just for the boys, because we're all fighting the same way. So then I, I came home with the skin under my nails and I was like, oh my God, I've permanently scarred one of these children because that's all I'm fighting. Or like people who are still in elementary school. I'm like, oh my God. I've clawed one of these kids and then I was like, I can't go back. And I thought about not attending another class after that because I was just so embarrassed that it had taken me so long to understand that you also don't get to have a claw it, uh, at jujitsu. Jujitsu. So I worked up the courage to go back.

Just the thought of skin under my nails kind of makes me me throw up. Right? I

Chris:

was like, what is that? I made Sarah noises in the car on the way home. Yeah. Super gross. Gross. Really disgusting. Um, but I am, I am progressing, so I'm getting slightly better. And it turns out my biggest problem is I'm too nice. Right? Like, he's like, why are you giving her so much space? I was like, oh, I, I'm just being polite. He was like, oh, don't do that. Don't do that. That's not how this

works. That's not how this works.

Chris:

I was like, oh. He's like, no, I want you to get on her like you're on top right now. Like this is a positive position for you. I want you to take your upper body and smother her. Like until you can figure out how to actually choke her and get her to tap, I just want you to put all of your weight on her. Now be careful'cause she's gonna use your, use her hips to try to flip you up over top. So you know, you gotta manage that. She's gonna fight a little, right. I was like, oh, what a revelation. So that is how, that is how Jiujitsu is going. I'm still. Still going. I'm still mortified. Like every time I go to walk in the door I'm like, they're all gonna hate you. They're all gonna hate you. They all already hate you. And I'm, I'm also a little concerned because I don't think the boys wanna wrestle with me and at some point I'm going need to wrestle with them.'cause there's only two girls. Like at some point I'm gonna be like, Hey, do you wanna, do you wanna roll with me? Like the one guy was like, oh, that guy did a great thing. He, he did this cool move like called in Einstein. Or I don't know that all the moves have names that make no sense. Like the shoulder of Destiny or justice or something. I'm not, yeah, like tho those ones

are my

Chris:

favorite. Sure. He was like, oh he did a great Einstein on me. And I'm sure it wasn't Einstein.'cause I can't imagine that Einstein. No, it totally was

Einstein. It was totally Einstein. Big influence to do with the founding of BJ j's. Stop it, cat. Maybe that was Freud. For

Chris:

something anyway. And he was like, uh, and it, it was like he forgot for a second that I was a lady and he was gonna show me what he did. And then he was like, oh. I was like, no, no, go ahead. Uh, so Becca, I'm not sure if it was because I was new or because I was a girl. Like, are you not afraid? Are you afraid to touch me because

Becca:

I feel like I'm 50 Would be because you're new is what I'm hoping for. Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hope maybe an Einstein is an advanced technique and he didn't wanna, didn't wanna scare off the newbie with his Right, with his big brain move.

Chris:

It's well that it wouldn't make sense'cause it really is just choking the fuck outta somebody. Like that's what an Einstein is. It's just getting somebody like this and just, oh, like most of the things that they do leave marks on my neck. That look like hickeys. So if you've seen me in the past couple of weeks and assumed that I have a hickey, I will remind you I'm 52 and I've been married for 20 years, so no, that's not a hickey, that's a mark from Jiujitsu. Anyway, so I'm hoping that we get over this. And I have a question.

Yeah. Do the dudes uh, roll with other chicks?

Chris:

No.'cause the only other chick is married to the owner, Angie, and I love her. She's, I, I don't know. She's, she's amazing. And she does routinely kick my ass. And I'm not saying that I don't feel challenged by that, but I am saying that maybe a little bit of variety would be, would be good in my training.

It's not that there's an expectation, it's not like you have to, but you would like to. So that's the situation.

Chris:

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it, I, I feel like to get better, I have to, I have to work with different people because you just learn different stuff. Like if I played soccer just with you, you're the only person I would know how to beat.

Yeah. And, uh, that's not likely to happen. I mean, maybe back in the day it wouldn't be likely to happen, but maybe did. No, no,

Chris:

no. I mean, you're the only person that I would know how to defend myself against,

whatever. Um, shit. I had another question. Um, oh, update. Olivia is awake. She texted Owen to make sure that he was awake. So I like, love the dynamic of having the two of them. It seems to help me out quite a bit.

Chris:

Maybe they should just hang out together all the rest of the summer, the rest of the three weeks of summer for us. I think so, yes. Anyway, back to BJ's. Yeah, I mean that's that. That's it then. And I also feel like I'm starting to understand the terminology and how things that look similar, because my a DD brain will just make a pattern. Like if I'm on top of you, it doesn't mean I'm in a good position'cause it matters where your legs are or where my legs are. Like if my legs are around your waist, I'm in a good position, even if I'm on my back. But if your legs are over top of my hips, I'm in a shitty position on my back and I'm probably gonna die. So see on my back, you're learning isn't the thing. It's where your legs are and the higher up you can get your legs. Like also, a lot of the moves in a lot of the moves involve tucking someone's head directly into your crotch, which I think might be uncomfortable for some people.

Yeah, I dunno. I was like, maybe that's why the dudes don't wanna roll with you. Or maybe that's why you

Sarah:

shouldn't wanna roll with the dudes. I don't. What do they look like? I don't know.

Becca:

That was my thought of maybe, you know, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it works both sides. I mean,

Chris:

here's what I will tell you about, uh, jujitsu in sexy time. Like never add jiujitsu class. Am I thinking about sexy time? Like, never ever, ever, ever.'cause mostly I'm trying not to die. Like, so there's no, like,

it's not like Ryan Gosling. I, that's who comes to mind. I don't dunno why this morning that's, he's gonna be my crush, but Oh, if Ryan Gosling

Becca:

was teaching Jiujitsu, I would've, I would've signed up already. I, that class would've been his, that class would be crazy.

The head to crotch action would be out of control.

Becca:

Like, and you put your head right there, sir, for context, it's 7:36 AM Yes, 6:00 AM And we're talking about heading projections.

Sarah:

And when it comes to Ryan Gosling, I don't think it's ever too early to talk about head to crotch action. That's a very fair point.

Chris:

I think we've gone off target. So at the gym, I'm never like, oh, like when someone demonstrates a move, I'm like, why is, why is your face so tight to his penis? Like, I don't Hmm. Like it has to be right here. Yeah. Is that a potato? Right. You're trying to like wrap your legs around their neck so you can choke them with your legs. But like, you know, if I were to engage in sexy time, like I would be like, I bet if I put my legs here, I could choke David out. Like, like it goes that way.

Just a headbutt. Um, I'm gonna have to time out again. I have to tell one of these kids, take the dog out.'cause they

Chris:

can't figure it out. Okay. Becca and I will talk amongst ourselves, but that's the, that's the case. Like, it's, it's definitely a one way, a one way street. Like never ever on the mat am I like. Nice. And all the guys are like, they're at 20 to 30 and they all look the fucking same. Like they all have a beard.

Mm.

Chris:

They all look like 20 to 30 year olds.

They beards. I thought they just had mustaches.

Chris:

No, no. Some of them have a beard like Becca Wright. Like that's a, that's a beard age kind of thing. Bearded men.

Becca:

Yeah. People. I was gonna say, I have friends that have beards, I have friends that have mustaches, goatees, God bless you. The whole lot of

Chris:

it, right. There's a lot of facial hair for these guys and they, they look like the, the carbon copies of each other. Like you can tell the difference. And I can tell Aion from O'Brien, but I mean, it's all kind of a glossy Nah, like, unless you're riding the gosling.

I feel like you could uh, you could use the, uh, the head to crotch thing as a defense mechanism though. Like, can't you like head butt the crotch? You're sure. Hey, I see

Chris:

your penis. Just a little tag with a forehead. Rights are nuts. Foreheads really

Sarah:

hard

Chris:

compared, like, I, I'm assuming they're wearing a cup. I don't really like, I don't know. But I would, I would. And uh, what my friend Angie told me the last time was, if you get in a position and you can stick your knee into somebody's butt hole, that's, that's a good move. Ooh.

I wanna know whose butt hole is fitting your knee in it, first of all.

Chris:

I mean, there's, they're, they're modern kids. I mean, they're not as afraid of the butt hole as we are. Mm-hmm. This has going, this is gone sideways,

Sarah:

hasn't it? That, and

I like when you said knee and the butt hole finger. Your butts are your finger. Your finger. Because, and you know what I think of, I just think of the jigs story about jigs and the little girl trying to put a finger in jigs butt hole.

Chris:

That's, that's what I think of too. She, and actually what she said wasn't butthole, but she was knee and butt crack. And I'm assuming that you go for the tender parts. But which would be the butthole

if anybody's talking about butt crack. I, I think butt hole is way better to talk about.

Chris:

I'll let Angie know. Okay, next time it's okay to talk about being somebody in the butthole. Cool. I was like, how does that work though? Like what do I do then? Like, which is always my b jj question. What do I do then? And generally like, isn't it everybody's

b jj question.

Chris:

What,

what? What do I do

Chris:

now? If you guys aren't watching this on YouTube, you're missing it. It's alright. That's enough. That's enough. She like

Sarah:

gagged a little.

Chris:

That's enough. What do I do now? Right. So that's how, that's how that's going. So that's my, that's how. Nice. Hey, there's a lot of, are you watching TV at your house, Sarah? Yeah,

I could hear it. You just now figured out. You could hear it. We've been talking for 30, 40 minutes.

Chris:

All right, fine. Um, Becca, what's going on with you? How's the job search? Do you wanna talk about it? Are you upset? Okay. Alright. Still,

Becca:

still. I ga I gave an, I gave an awkward constipated, uh, kind of a look. Um, it's going, there's a lot of promising positions that my mom found, which is very exciting, which sounds very silly, but she'll send me job applications, just like if she sees one or if she's, she'll just look, that's kind silly. And she'll just send me them and I'll be like, oh, thank you so much. But there's one that she sent me that's for a dealership that's like creating a content for them. So that would be very, very cool. So I could just get to film really expensive cars all day, which would be very, very cool.

Sarah:

That's awesome.

Becca:

Not gonna say the brand, but fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. That's, I

Sarah:

like

Becca:

that. Yeah,

Sarah:

that's

Becca:

fine. Other than that, yeah, I'm moving back home. Um, for those of you who don't know, I just graduated college, uh, and I'm moving out of my college town the 31st, so that'll be exciting. I'm excited to go home, but I Are you, are you sad though? I'm, I'm gonna be, I'm very sad, but I'm also. I'm looking, I'm looking forward to just living with four people instead of like seven or 33. Like it's, that's cool. I mean that, that will be very exciting. But,

Chris:

and two of those people are grownups, so they like respect boundaries and don't go to bed. They go to bed at eight 15.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't see Tom respecting boundaries. I just don't, I don't know why I just,

Becca:

I was talking about Maggie. He's very jokes. I was gonna say, he jokes very, he jokes like in a pick, like he, he will pick on you, but like he won't. But if I'm like in the mood and I'll be like, sir, please, like, I can't, sir. Please, today is not the day now to pick on me. He'll go,

not right now. I love you.

Becca:

He'll go Alright. Because I think he sees the tears in my eyes when I go, please. And I just stare. And I'm like, please, and I have a glassy stare.

He's like, it makes sense.

Becca:

It's like, all right, but that's, that's all that's been going on with me so crazy. I wish

I could pay you.'cause I'm working on a lot of content right now, and it sucks and I suck at it. Like I, I tried to record a video myself and there's a reason why there no videos have come out of me and my coaching business yet because I can't, like, I literally, the last, it's also awkward. Well, the last one I recorded was like, listen, I've recorded this 17,000 fucking times and it's fucking stupid. Just let me code you. Fuck it. That's awesome. And then I decided, I just wasn't, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna do voiceovers for now until I can figure out what to do. And then I, I ordered this thing too to hold my phone and this thing that. It suction cups to things except for it doesn't. I got the cheap one'cause that's how, that's me. And, um, it doesn't suction really well all the time. So Really it has just turned into my phone holder just at my desk. Who, so, so that's, yeah, that's that. I don't, I don't know what, I don't know what I'm doing. Um, so yeah. Anyway, maybe one day I'll be able to pay you money to make content for me.

Becca:

Do it for free. Always.

Okay. Stop it then.

Chris:

Stop doing that. I mean, do it for Sarah, but don't do it for anybody else.

Becca:

Correct. Friends

Chris:

and

Becca:

family discount.

But what I could use are just some ideas of shit to do, like put together. Um, yeah.'cause I don't, I mean, on the artsy side of it, like the canvas side of it, I'm getting pretty good at that. But it's the video shit, and that's really where I need to start working anyway.

Chris:

What are you using on your skin? Because your skin looks amazing. Yeah, my skin, yeah. I am using

some Estee Lauder Clean something. Oh, it comes in a pink thing and smells good. And that's followed by the face cream shit I got from the soap place. The Simply You. Is that what it is? Simply you? Oh, simply yes. I

Chris:

think, wait, hold on. Uh, no, it's not on that candle. Sorry. Oh no.

Sarah:

Simply the Elizabeth Soap place, Stephanie's business. I can't think of the name of it. I think it is simply You.

Chris:

You simply, simply, simply Safe. No, they don't sponsor us either, even though they sponsor every podcast ever. Hi macho. Hi. Wow. The typing is also aggressive. Fuck off.

Alright, go ahead, we move on.

Chris:

Tell us more about your pop. Tell us more about Pop. No, I'm good. Let's move on. Alright. Are you sure you don't wanna talk about what you're doing? Yeah. Alright, awesome. We have a quick gaster story of the week. Actually, I have, I have two, so I'll just share them really quick. The, and I wanna talk about the time. My best friend in high school, Jenny s Jenny s was in a foreign exchange program, so she went to Finland over the summer. So she, she left the country. I wouldn't even leave the township. And Jenny was like, it's cool, I'm just gonna go to Finland where I don't speak the language and live with a family that doesn't speak English that great and I'm gonna spend three months. I spent that three months at Beauty Pool. For those of you familiar with the Elizabeth area, that's the Buena Vista? Mm-hmm. Or as we say, uni Buena Vista. My boyfriend at the time worked as a lifeguard at the pool. So Jenny was in Finland learning new cultures and how to eat like a shit ton of fish. And I was at a uni pool and I would go and visit him, but I wouldn't go in the pool. I would just sit by him because I didn't want anyone to see me in my bathing suit. So I would just, it wasn't like I was at the pool like laying out. I was just sitting behind the lifeguard stand like this

quiet. I would go there and eat pizza'cause I love their pizza and I can't remember if it was Totino's Pizza or like what kind of pizza it was, but that's literally the only, like I know I got in that pool. I know I went with friends. I know there was other shit that happened there. But literally the only thing that is still in my brain is the pizza.

Chris:

There was somebody's mom, somebody's mom that, that we knew was a younger mom and was really, really attractive. Like maybe not so much face, but she showed up in a string bikini one day and everyone went fucking ballistic. It was like, Stacey Stacey's mom only in real life. I was like, can you guys maybe not ogle the mom? They're like, I don't know. But I, and I forget who the, she had a daughter, but I can't remember who it was, but they were like, we're gonna have to be better friends with her. I'm like, you guys are disgusting pigs. Absolute pigs. But I mean, there were no, and there were no hot dads because there just weren't. Anyway, so that, uh, my gastro story of the week is about how we, um. Jenny's mom gave, uh, me and a couple of our other friends money and said, go to the store and put together a welcome home party for your best friend Jenny, who's been in Finland for the summer. So we did that, and when we walked into the party supply store, we were immediately met with a luau theme. So for Jenny's coming home party, we put together a luau theme, welcome home party with pineapples and hula skirts and plastic lays. And we had it at my house because I had the pool table. Nobody was drinking except for our dad. Uh, and then Jenny comes in. She's very surprised by the party and very surprised by the Hawaiian theme of the party. Yeah. And we were like, it was the best. Like we bought all these decorations and they were amazing. We had like a blow up palm tree. I think we used those decorations then to like, later in the summer, or earlier in the summer. Anyway, so Jenny is surprised by the theme and at some point our dad, uh, drinks, drinks beer and uh, shoots pool with us. And then he, he wants to question Jenny about her experience. So he's like, Hey, did you, did you learn any chainsaw jokes in Finland? And everyone looked at him the same way. Becca is looking at us right now, like sort of confused, like trying to be a little bit polite like jumbo. We don't know what you mean by chainsaw jokes. It turns out that there's a, it's very wooded in Finland, and what Jumbo was doing was making sort of a, a cultural reference Yeah. To the local people, but nobody got it. And then. The rest, uh, the rest of the time where we were friends with each other, we would ask each other, like when we went away and came back if we had learned any chainsaw jokes. So I would like to thank Jumbo for giving me and my tiny group of friends the ability to, to reference that coming home party, the Hawaiian themed coming home party, and ask each other, like when we hadn't seen each other as a greeting. Hey, while you were there, did you learn any chainsaw jokes? So when Jenny went away to Bryn Mawr, I was like, Hey, at Bryn Mawr, if you learn any chainsaw jokes, will you send them on to me so that I will also know them? So that's my gaster story of the week. Like why chainsaw jokes?

I

Chris:

feel like chainsaws

go with the, uh, Hawaiian theme too. It's, it's perfect,

Chris:

right? Like, like it all, it all kind of rolled together. I was like, nobody. It all makes

sense. All makes sense.

Chris:

Anything about Finland? Nobody knows anything about Finland when I Except your dad. I think

Becca:

because when I think about Finland, in Hawaii, my first go-to is a chainsaw.

Chris:

Yeah, right. This is the connective tissue between these two. Absolutely.

Becca:

Also Nash that your cannot get out of my door, so I have to go crack it for him. He's sitting on my left now, but he could. Oh Nash. He could not fit your Hi puppy. Meow. Meow. Nevermind Then. Who's a kitty? I get in here. Just kidding. He does climb on top of furniture and stuff like that. Like he'll climb on the top of our couch. He'll also climb on top of our tables and coffee chairs. Coffee chairs, coffee. He's

kind of like a cat then He is.

Chris:

Coffee chairs. I wish I had a coffee chair also really quickly. Um, the Dragon book is just making me mad now. Like I'm just, I might, I might be too old. Like I know these aren't books for children, but I'm like, you know what? I'm so tired of people. How are there people like the, I'm on like the fourth one now.

Sarah:

Okay.

Chris:

Oh my God, there's

Sarah:

four.

Chris:

Uh, no, I'm on the third one. The, but are we still talking about this one? The fourth war? The fourth one. Fourth wing, yeah. Yeah. Like I read, I read the first one very unopened. Rebecca Yaros.

Becca:

Yes. Love it.

Chris:

I mean, I'm still enjoying it. And there's, there's elements now that are more epic fantasy, but that the second book was mostly about, um, them liking each other but not having the patience for relationship. And I'm like, you know, nothing's gonna be perfect. You two. Like, I feel like I wanna be their marriage counselor, and that's really not what the book is for. Like, I'm like, why don't you just be honest with her? Why don't you just be honest with him? Why, why won't you just talk to your friends about what's wrong? Like, I don't have the patience maybe.

Becca:

I don't have the patience. That's real. I also feel like when it comes to books nowadays, the protagonists are not meant necessarily to be more silly about their decisions, if that makes sense. But I feel as though I'm confused most of the time now when I read books, because I'm like, why did the protagonist do that? Why did the protagonist do this? So I feel like there's a lot of questionable decisions made. And that's not talking about Fourth Wing. I've not, I've not read it, but

Chris:

I, I mean I'm gonna keep going'cause it really did make me smile today. Like everyone is more real in these than maybe salmon Frodo. And maybe that's the part that I don't enjoy as much is like, I would like, I would like you to be a pretend thing in my book. I would like you to be a thing that I would like you to have furry feet. I would like you not necessarily furry, I would like you to have a a, a, a dead set. A hundred percent moral compass. And you should be better than me, is what I'm thinking. Like, again, this is how we're gonna segue into the, the mental health part of it. Like when I read books when I was younger, like this is part of what shaped my character, like Sam and Frodo leaving the comfort of the Shire and heading out to fight, uh, the ultimate bad guy that even Gandalf can't defeat. And Sam and Frodo are like, it's cool. We got it. And uh, even though they have the absolutely no hope of succeeding and they're just a hundred percent comfortable in their little hobbit holes, they head out and uh, and try to do great things. And that's inspiring. Uh, and, and they never waver except at the very end when I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say spoilers because this has been a book since like the thirties. So, yeah, I

don't think you're gonna spoil it too much. Like, except

Chris:

when, when Fredo waivers at the end and Sam has to, has to do the stuff that needs to get done. I mean, like, these are good guys and these are bad guys. I kind of miss an epic fantasy where the simplicity of it just pushes right decisions and I get annoyed when, when it looks more like real life. Oh, everyone has a dog. Hi macho. Hi puppy. Macho makes an

appearance.

Chris:

Who is a kitty? I'm

not sure. He went outside. I'm not sure if he went to the bathroom. I'm not sure what's going on. It's okay. He smells good'cause he got groomed, huh? And he is going to the vet today.

Chris:

Oh, this poor dog, this poor kitty. Anyway, so back to, to the, the self-help part of our podcast. These were my self-help books. Like these are the things that taught me how to be a better person. These are the ones where I was like, that princess is kind of a bitch, but also really strong and really able to, you know, move the, move the quest forward. So I could also be kind of a bitch. I won't be because it's not in my nature, but I could also be like that and be strong and help move the quest forward and not be just a waste of space, even though I'm just a girl. Like these were my self-help books when I was growing up and when I got old enough to like wiggle my way into the self-help section. There were so many and so many things I could diagnose myself with. Think we talked about this on the last podcast, right? Uh, maybe one of the interviews where we could spend hours in Barnes and Noble, just reading and self diagnosing. So, um, I wanna talk a little bit about how, how much is too much? Like how much is too much and how much is where do we, where do we cross the line between self-help and magic? And where are you expecting things to happen without putting in the work? I think is the, the place where, where I wanna get to. So, Becca, you and I chatted about this a little earlier and you did some research by chatting with your generation of friends, and I am curious about how the self-help experience differences between the generations. Like Sarah and I would wander around Barnes and Noble. I think at some point in some college class, someone gave me a book called What Color Is Your Parachute? And I was like, oh my God, this is gonna solve. Every problem that I have because it was mostly about figuring out what you wanna be when you grow up. And I was like, this is it. This is the only book I'm ever going to need. I brought it home and gave it to Sarah and then fucked around for the next six years. Not doing anything with my life, like pretending to, uh, work in an office, going to graduate school, like not getting my life together at all and ignoring every piece of advice that was in that book, just like we ended up doing with most of the self-help, uh, tomes that we've read. But I'm kind of interested in how Well, except for Sarah, Sarah really took shit to heart and changed her life. Um, I'm curious though, like that can't be the, the younger generation's experience.'cause I feel like you can just watch a bunch of tiktoks now and it's sort of the same thing.

Becca:

So I was gonna say that is something called like when you sit there and you just scroll on your phone for like hours on end, it's a thing called doom scrolling. Some people. Use that as self-help. I'm trying to be a lot better about it. I've been bad. So now I have a screen time. I put a screen time for myself on my phone to help with that. But a lot of people at my house that I live with, we were talking about it kind of as a discussion and one of my friends brought up that all of the media they watch or that they really engage with when it comes to like literature or TV shows or films or just animations, anything, it's always a character being like going above and beating something. So it's like it's always them overcoming a challenge or like going on a journey of sorts where it's like you get Quest, all this character development. Yes. A quest where you get all this grand character development and you continue on. So I just thought that was interesting that you also connected with that. But self-help today, I feel like overall is a genuinely like positive rep. Like, um. A few of my roommates journal, so when they go onto their therapist, like call,'cause some of them do like virtual ones, they'll have their journal out and so during the week it is self-help because it helps them get it out, but then they can actually apply it in that way. But I was gonna say,'cause we were also talking about self diagnosing, and I did not think about this, but one of my, one of my roommates brought up the fact that some people self-diagnose because they can't afford to actually be diagnosed as some diagnoses can affect your everyday life. It can affect your, it can affect your eligibility for life for like a license. It could affect your medications. Like, it can affect like your disability status, like. So just also something random to put out there.'cause that was also sad, but it's, it, it was very interesting'cause I was like, I can't wait to go to the podcast and talk about this. So overall, generally, like a lot of girls in the house read books. I love, I love my, I love my smart books. I do. That's really, that's, I was gonna say I used that for self-help. Sarah mentioned a little bit before we started recording about how it was music for her. I think it's music for, for me too, very, very deeply. Like I, it's insane. I love going down rabbit holes and Spotify just feeding me new music that I've never heard before. It's, it's the greatest thing. That's how I like to escape and that's how I view self. I use that as self-help, as I hear other people's stories and experiences and it makes me realize what I need to be grateful for. Versus something that I looked kind of down upon when it could kind of be glorified in a way versus in a song. I don't know. Now I'm just rambling. But, but no, it all makes sense. Feel I, I, I've splurged. So

Chris:

the rambling, the rambling is where you get the good nuggets, like, trust us. Like, have you not listened to our podcast? I'm curious. It's weird because you edit it. Yeah. Actually, no, I'm suspicious about how much editing is actually happening if you're not listening to me ramble on for, oh, no hours, but hours. But yeah, I, I mean, I think that, you know, looking at what, at what we call self-help and looking at, you know, actually taking the lessons and applying them, like Sarah said it a thousand times. Like that shit's hard. Like, and part of, I think what, what we picked up on is that that hard is the, is the thing that makes the self-help. Help. Do you know, do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Chris (2):

Mm-hmm.

Chris:

Like the, the hard stuff. When you get down to doing the hard stuff, when you get down to defining what your values are and making decisions in your life that align with those values, when you get down to doing that work, that takes effort and energy and oftentimes easier just to go and be like, I'm just gonna check another book. I'm gonna, that one was good, but I think maybe it'll be better if I just look at six more books and then find one that maybe gives me some magical thing to, to glom onto. And I think that's where a lot of the toxic self-help comes in, right? Like the toxic self-help is like, Hey, I have a shortcut, or, Hey, I have this thing where you can just, you can just manifest a, a thing. And the, the part about manifesting the thing is that. If you want, the thing like the undercurrent of the one book that we were reading is like, oh yeah, you can change the physics of, of whatever it is. But the undercurrent of that is you also have to understand what you're trying to change and you also have to take the steps to, to change it. And yeah, I can manifest it, uh, week long journey in Italy, but I also have to do things that will get me to that week long trip in, in Germany or Italy or whatever it was that guy's daughter did. Just by, you know, praying about it really hard and having a really rich dad like you. Eventually you have to do the work and you can gloss over the top of it with manifesting and you can gloss over the top of it with, you know, whatever kind of trick or magic or thing that is gonna get you there. But the important part of the self-help is. Doing the, doing the actual work. And I mean, I think Sarah will tell you that the work is hard and the work is valuable. And the work is the thing that moves you from point A to point B. I am working on the work and it's way harder than I thought. Like I always think that I know more than everybody because that's just who I am as a person. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, the work is hard. The work is, I've already done the work. I already know my values. I already align my actions with my values and no I don't. No, I don't. Like this whole year has been in a lesson so far and how I don't, and it has been interesting to kind of break that apart. And, and not, and not in any sort of like self helpy kind of way, like in a therapy kind of way. Like to, to sit with the, the darling Emily and, and talk through some of this stuff. Like, she's like, well, what are your values? What do you value? And I'm like, candy squirrels are cute. She's like, okay, now be serious. And I'm like, I'm trying to be serious. I don't know. Like, I don't know what my values are. I know what they think they should be, and I know what answer you wanna hear, and I'll give you that answer. But is that the thing that goes deeper into who I am as a person? Like I am fan fucking tastic at telling you what you wanna hear, but is it. The real answer. And it's taking a, it's taking a considerable amount of time and effort to get to what that real answer is for me. And it hasn't been because of any one particular book. It's just been that common theme of all of these books and understanding that there isn't, there isn't a magic thing, there isn't a, there isn't a solution other than looking really deep. And that's a lot of work. So that's what I got for you guys is that that sort of toxic self-help is the thing that whispers in your heads that you can take a shortcut in. Sarah, I know that you've been, you've been, uh, you've been vibing. If I can use one of Becca's terms with Mark Manson, you guys have been, uh, you guys have been, uh, you know, sharing a moment. Well, I mean, I've been sharing a moment

Becca:

holding space. Yeah, I mean

Mark, mark Manson knows you. He said your name. Yeah, he said my name on a q and a for sure. Absolutely. Tell us about it. Um, I mean, I'll get to that. I just to kind of build on what you guys were saying, uh, I think one of the problems right now with self-help is that there are so many different options and that we tend to get lost in everything. And we don't take the action. We just keep reading and expecting something to happen. That kind of goes into thinking we're manifesting something. And I think the best thing to battle toxic self-help is one step at a time. Just one little thing at a time, because we get overwhelmed when we're. Overfilling our brains with all of the suggestions and just slowing down and doing one thing. Hi buddy.

Chris:

Hi. The, the dog is licking the headphones and snuggling with my sister. Like, like it's his job. He knows his values. He doesn't need any self-help at all. He is like, my purpose is to cuddle you. Yes, very much.

But I, I mean, I think we talked about it. I think at the beginning of all of this, when we were reading the Subtle Art, I kept saying, I just want somebody to tell me what to do. I just want someone to tell me what to do. And I, it wasn't so much that I needed someone to tell me what to do, it's that I needed someone to push me to do it, which is what I got out of working with Michelle and what I'm getting out of working with Mark Manson's community. Um, I check in with my accountability group every day. We're putting shit out there when we're having tough days, we're, you know, behind each other and. As lame as it sounds, lifting each other up and reminding each other of why we're part of the community. And that's, that in and of itself is kind of life changing. Um, but ultimately the work needs to be done. And if you're struggling finding your values, head over to plan over panic.com and go to freebies. And I get my starting with values guide. I could get it for free. Yeah, I, I, I put out my first freebie last week, so you can head over there and get that, but it's hard. I mean, you can download that guide. You could read every fucking book. If you're not really gonna dig, if you're not really gonna let yourself be vulnerable to that, then it's not gonna help and you're not ready. And you have to be disgustingly honest with yourself. And there's a lot of values you could choose from. There's a lot of shit out there. Anyway, so I did ask my friend Mark about toxic self-help and uh, he brought up something that I actually didn't even think of, I guess a lot now, there's a part of the self-help a lot of people are talking about is just immediately cutting people out of your life to make your life better. And when I say immediately cut out people from their life, I mean, they smell at you wrong, fuck you, I'm done. You're not helping me make my life better. So I'm not dealing with you. And I think I, I agree with Mark, with what Mark Manson had to say. Like, I don't know about that. It's, you might wanna give people a second chance. I mean, I feel like if someone wrongs you and you immediately write them off, they probably weren't meant to just be in your life. You probably don't really like them that much. You probably don't have a great relationship with'em to start with. So, um, I think that's a shitty way to look at things. Yeah. I mean, maybe after like the third time they fuck you over royalty, then maybe you can be like, all right, nevermind, you know, write them off. But, uh, it's one of the parts of toxic self-help that seems to be taking off lately is just throwing people out.

Becca:

And, uh, oh, sorry. Keep talking. I apologize.

No, I was just gonna say, I mean, part of digging deep into our values and deciding what we're about is there's a lot of relationship work in there too. Um, so recognizing these things in yourself and others and kind of goes against that. If you're just looking at others and being like. Later. And then the only other thing I had, we started talking about manifestation and the d Lulu is the ulu is something that I've learned about recently. I, I guess it's been out there for a while.'cause I believe it was covered on a repeat of the Tamron Hall Show, um, from like way earlier this year. But I was like the d Lulu, what? What the fuck are you talking about? But Christina, what I was gonna say is exactly what you already said. Yeah. We can sit here and we could talk about it. I mean, I think that my irritation with manifestation started with the last book that we tried to read because it just, there was just so much in my mind just screaming bullshit throughout the whole entire fucking thing. And that's kind of where my mind is on, uh, manifestation. Uh, you can go ahead and say it's manifestation. Yeah. I thought about it, I kept thinking about it. And that's great to have what I like to refer to as positive vibes and positive thinking and reinforcing in your brain that this is something you can do. This is something you're meant to be like, I'm a coach, I am a coach and I am a coach, and I will be a good coach. And, but. I'm putting a lot of fucking work into it. That's nothing is coming out of this just because I'm sitting here at night going, I'm a good coach. I'm a good coach. I can be a good coach. I'm gonna be, no, I'm fucking doing the work. And I don't, I don't believe that more times than not, someone's just sitting there thinking about something and it fucking happens. Like I feel like every, I mean, you know, every result is coming from some sort of action and de Lulu, which for those of you who don't understand,'cause I don't think I understood first like, but it's delusion. Delusion is the solution. How fucked up is that? Just that statement in and of itself. Like I feel like delusion is kind of a negative.

Chris:

So I, it reminds me of a story in, it might be the Subtle art, but it might be Atomic Habits, where he was like, I wanted to be a rock star. Oh, it's subtle art. He's like, yeah, I wanted to be a rock star. Mm-hmm. And he is like, I didn't, uh, I didn't want to work on being a rock star. I just wanted to be a rockstar.

Chris (2):

Mm-hmm.

Chris:

And I'm like, I think that's the same thing. Like the, the delusion of what my life is gonna be like when I'm a rockstar is, uh, is amazing, right? Like, I'll sit here and think about how cool that'll be. Like if you weren't putting in the work to like do, do coaching and make, make your endeavor successful, and you were just sitting around going, it's gonna be so cool one day when this is my job. And when you're taking steps to make it your job, and that's the action part of it is the part that you have to love. Like, and I'm not saying you have to. You have to be so enamored with the work, but you have to enjoy the work, and you have to want to do the work, and you have to be motivated to do the work that's gonna get you there. It goes back

to, I mean, it goes back to another Mark Manson thing. Like, work is hard and work is not always fun and work is gonna cause some pain, but we need, everything in life is gonna have some pain and we need to decide what pain is worth it.

Chris (2):

Right?

Um, what pain is going to have the best result for us and the people around us. And that's where that's, that's where things get hard. And that's the misconception, is that people think that everything's supposed to be bright and cheery and rainbows and butterflies all the time. And that's not how it's gonna be. The best we can do for ourselves is make it. Good most of the time. But there's still gonna be that suffering that we all have to endure to get tho those good parts. And unless you're ready to accept that, you're constantly gonna be in that loop and that negative loop of life and you're not, it's so hard to get out of that once you start. And one last thing I have to say about self-help is that. It's not just while you're reading a book. It's not just while you're reading a guide to find your values. It's not just me looking over at this, what's it called? Post-it notes that has my list of values on it. Like it's a constant thing because we're constantly having thoughts go through our brains. Like I, I don't know the statistic, but there's a bazillion trillion of them, and most of them are useless because they're about shit that's never even happened. And that's, that's me, that's what I struggle with. But right now we're working on emotional regulation and that's, that's something that you, you're constantly having emotions go through your body. Thoughts are emotions coming out, like, I mean, emotions are your thoughts coming out and um, you have to be aware of that and. That part's hard, being able to stop yourself. Um, and Christine, I know we've said it a lot, but it's really, really coming into life in the last few months for me, is that just fucking taking a second and stopping what's about to come outta your mouth and taking one deep breath can give you so much perspective. It might space, it might, because, you know, like a, a year and a half ago I would've said bullshit to that, but it's so true. But again, that sounds so simple. Just take a breath. It's super simple.

Sarah:

Great, but it's not

because if you're not taking it in the right mind space, like I could be sitting here losing my shit and be like, okay, I just need to take a breath. And as I'm taking the breath, I'm still thinking about how Stacey's mom is a dick. Like, I need to let that go for a second and think about why. Why do I think Stacey's mom's a dick? Breathe? Oh, well that's a ridiculous thought. So let's move on. Right. I will take that one and just,

Chris:

just, yeah. So go, go over there thought. Thank you.

But it's a constant, it's a constant practice. It's not something that you're just working on while you're in a book. It's not something that you're just working on while you're watching a video. It's a constant awareness that you need to have, and nobody's perfect. Like there's plenty of times that, I mean, we're all still losing our shit at some point, but the biggest thing of that is when I. Me personally, when I lose my shit, I try to go back to him and be like, okay, what didn't I do? What could I have done differently? And just trying to be better from every situation that we, that we move on. Sorry. The whole point is it's not just a book, it's not just a guide, right? You need to live it. Start with a book. That's a great place to start, but don't move on to the next book until you really did the work in the first book.

Chris:

But the books are so fun to read, and they are, they're, they're lovely distraction. They are. Oh, oh look, yes. That book was hard. That's a lot of hard things in this book. Oh, but 90% of the self.

When we started Self-Help wasn't new. I have a shit ton of right. I have a shelf of them of self-help stuff, but the difference between what I've done over the last year and a half to what I was doing before that is I was reading the book and being like, wow, that sounds super awesome. Wow, that's great. Back on the bookshelf, never thought about it again, about,

Chris:

I've read the Subtle Art of Not Giving a fuck four times before we did this podcast because I was like, there's something there. There's something there. And every time I was reading it, I was like, I should take notes or something instead of just like going through here as quickly as I possibly can in order to consume the words. I'm like, I like what this dude is saying. Um, yeah, no, I totally have all of my values straight. Like I know what's worth it and what isn't. And I found like the second time I read it, I was like, wait a minute, why do I feel different about this part than I did the last time I read it? And then the third time I was like, why do I feel different now? And it was because my values that I had front of mind that like two, that my, uh, tiny little P brain could glom onto were different like the second time around and the third time around, and then the fourth time around, like I was like, oh, now I see that until I get my shit straight, this book is always going to be directing me to do something slightly different that I'm still not going to do. And that's,

that's another part of it. I'm gonna go onto, I guess marketing, do it coaching, because that's, that's. A big deal. It's a big deal, and that's why it's worth the investment because you have somebody who's behind you who's pushing you to do the shit that you really don't want to do. And why I wanna focus on young adults is because your values and your purpose change throughout your life. And if you learn how to dig deep to find the true value and find the true purpose, when you're at a young age, you're gonna be so much better set to deal with it when those start to change. And that's, that's, to me, I, again, I wish I had that when I was at that stage of life because that's something that I could have used.

Chris:

Wanna interrupt for a second before this thought skidders out of my brain? The, the reason that Mark Manson's book hit different each time wasn't necessarily that my values had changed. It was my headspace and my Headspace. Mm-hmm. Wasn. Deep enough to get to the point of being a value. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it wasn't that my values had changed, it was just I was thinking about different shit. Like one time I was thinking about work and the next time I was thinking about my marriage and the next time I was thinking about, you know, my relationship with Olivia or my relationship with other people in my, like I was just thinking about different shit and I'd never got to the point of understanding the value that drove that headspace. So I think, you know, a lot of what you're talking about with coaching and now I feel like Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift, I'm gonna let you get back to it. Um, fuck

Kanye

Chris:

West. Was it Kanye West? Was that who interrupted? Taylor Swift. I cognize. Yeah, I dunno. But

just the mention of his name makes me wanna fucking throw up. Great. Anyway, I should think about that.

Chris:

You should, you should examine that. Um, anyway, like the difference between a headspace and a value is kind of the, the place where self improvement and self-help maybe does the most good. Like there is a true difference between thinking about one thing, being in a headspace and being thinking about a value. So I will carry on. I just wanted to throw it out there that it wasn't that my values were changing'cause I didn't really know what they were. Like, just the shit I was thinking about when I was reading the book had changed.

Sarah:

Yeah,

Chris:

sorry.

Yeah, no, I, and that's it. I'm pretty much done. Like, that's, that's what I have to say about self-help. It can be whatever you make of it. Right. And if you, unfortunately, there's so much of it that it does become toxic because we're trying to take in as much as we can without doing the action. And I personally think that's what makes it toxic is overloading ourselves with a bunch of shit we're not gonna do anything with.

Chris:

Yeah. Yeah. I think it gets down to, it gets down to having that understanding that the, the real growth happens through work. The real growth happens through quote unquote suffering. There's a, there's a great quote in, uh, game of Thrones if we can get back to epic fantasy, where the one character just goes through a whole, whole lot of bad things. And if I'm saying that in the Game of Thrones context, you can imagine all of the bad things like. She's, yeah, she, she goes through it and she comes out a, a strong queen. And the one guy that apologizes, he's like, if, you know, if you would've stuck with me, if you, if you would've stayed with me, none of that would've happened. And she's like, right. And then I would've been a delicate bird forever and not the fierce warrior I am today. And I was like, holy shit. Santa's stark. Yeah, you did go through a bit of it and look at you. And I'm like, well, I mean, if Sansa can take that and come out a queen, I could probably stand to do a little bit of self-reflection. Like I'm not gonna get, like a ton of bad things aren't going to happen to me the same way that they happen to her, but, you know, a little bit of suffering and that, you know, doing some hard work won't kill me, but it will make me a better person. It will make me more happy. And I don't think happy is the right word. It will make me more content with what I. Where I am and what I'm doing. And I think that is the, that is where, at this point in my life, I, I want to be, I want to be content.

And I think on that note, and this is the last thing I have,'cause we're like, we're just about up here, but, uh, we also need to, to look at reality, right? Reality, this is life. And again, we're going to suffer. So even if you put in this work, like I've put in work and it's done great things for my mental wellbeing, but I also know that things aren't gonna be perfect from here. I'm still, I'm gonna cry. Oh, sorry. I'm still gonna get sad sometimes. I'm still gonna have to dig my way out of it. I'm still gonna be anxious and I'm gonna have to work myself through that. Like, there's still like, that's, that's part of the suffering and. I think it's also worth mentioning that we don't get, wanna get stuck in a place where, oh my gosh, things are really great for me now they're gonna be great forever. Like that's not how it is. Fuck up and there's macho to remind me. Stop crying ya. Dumb ass.

Chris:

So that's it. That's

all I have for today.

Chris:

Chinese proverb is what I will leave us with. Somebody told me it was a Chinese proverb. I don't know. I'm not Chinese. I think you could just say Chinese proverb in front of anything and there you go. I'm gonna get it tattooed on me in Chinese letters that I have no idea how to read. Yeah, nothing very, very good or very, very bad. Last very, very long. Yeah. So I mean, I think that is exactly it. You have to be like, where I wanna be is content to be able to roll with the punches, right? I wanna be content because I wanna be like, oh, well that is a shitty thing to have happen. I will be able to deal with that because I know inside that I am able to float. On the top of some of these things instead of getting sucked down into them and really, really get stuck in there. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. So nothing very, very good or very, very bad lasts very, very long. So,

Sarah:

yeah,

the good news is I've learned so many tools and built this pretty little toolbox. It's pink, it has pink hammer in it. Um, that's what it looks like in my brain, but I've built this toolbox that I didn't have two years ago, right? So I know when shitty times come upon me that I have the tools to, to deal with it much better than I did two years ago.

Chris:

I mean, I, I think, I think I've gotten to the point where I've stripped away all of the BS that used to be the, the. Stuff for me. So now I'm gonna cry. Like, and I think that's the, that's the part that was the hardest. Like, I have my shit together. I know exactly who I am, I know my values and looking at it and being like, bitch, no you don't. No you don't. Or maybe you did a year ago or two years ago when Olivia was in high school. You don't know dick now. So here's your, here's your, here's your plate of hard work. If you ever wanna be happy or content again, have at it sucks.

Becca:

I think you both should be very proud of yourself with the toolbox that you have both created with your own bare hands. Because the reason why it's there is because you two work so hard for it to be there. So don't forget about that.

Well 100%. Thanks Becca. And sorry if you're the lawn

Becca:

guy. I'm very mad because our landlord did not say he was coming today. That's why.

Sarah:

Bastard.

Becca:

I felt so bad you guys were crying and I was getting so mad at him. Weed whacking right next to the window. You guys should be here. Well, there my favorite emotion.

You should be laughter through tears. There you go. Um, all right, well I Well, I need to wrap it up. I gotta go'cause one I have to pee and two, I have a lot of other shit I gotta do.

Chris:

Can you guys say hi to Rose

though? Hi Rose. Hi Rose. Little Tub

Becca:

Rose. Tell the people hi, primordial pouch.

Look at, oh, look at that face. Oh. If you are not on YouTube, you need to get on YouTube just to see Rose's fucking face. Face

Chris:

today. Yeah. Shit is a

real cunt. Roro

Chris:

rose is face.

Yes. Cunt is the best word I

Sarah:

could think to describe Rose right now. Rose is a

nod making any friends today

Becca:

I'm enhancing that meow so that people know that she's sassing back. Oh, she is. She's so full of it.

She's sassafras like nobody's business. She's like,

Chris:

where is Olivia? I don't know. She doesn't live with us anymore. All. All right, love you guys. Care. I'm getting hit the stop button.

Sarah:

Okay.

People on this episode

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Christine Kanalis

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Sarah Leibhart

Host