Episode 43: Feral Piano Lessons

In this episode of 'The Mental Funny Bone,' hosts Sarah and Christine create a humorous and supportive environment as they discuss mental health disclaimers and their personal limitations as non-professionals. They encourage listeners needing professional help to dial 988 or refer to their show notes for resources. The episode unfolds with the duo hilariously critiquing their own voices and segueing into missed fan mail, revealing their humorous disorganization and playful remorse. Shifting gears, Christine recounts amusing memories of her piano lessons as a child, including a moldy piano, a blind piano tuner, and the emotional toll of quitting piano, all while underlining their parents' efforts to provide enriching experiences despite financial constraints. They focus on interconnectedness and personal growth within the context of elaborating from their book's chapters on how the brain perceives reality and the importance of social connections over isolated individualism. Through laughter and reflection, they stress the significance of embracing one’s community and remaining open-minded.

How to find mental health help when you're struggling. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
https://washingtoncountyhumanservices.com/agencies/behavioral-health-developmental-services
https://www.alleghenycounty.us/Services/Human-Services-DHS/Publications/Resource-Guides
Apps - Just search mental health where you get your apps.
EAP programs are a great place to look for help!!

Additional Resources (Sports Related):
https://globalsportmatters.com/health/2020/12/04/mental-health-resources-2/

Transcript

0:03

Hello, and welcome to The Mental Funnybone, a podcast where we strive to create a safe and entertaining space where listeners can explore mental health topics, find solace, and enjoy laughter. The podcast aims to destigmatize mental health discussions and empower individuals to approach their own well being with humor and openness. I'm Sarah. And I'm Christine, and we are not mental health professionals or doctors of any sort. If you need professional mental health, you should dial 988 from your cellular telephone. Is it dial? do we still say dial? I think you still have to dial. I think you still have to dial, yeah. It just didn't seem right. Or check out our show notes. We have lots of links there, that you can use. But please do not rely on us for actual, mental health doctor stuff. Yeah, we can't, we can only make you understand that you're not alone and some of this shit is for me. Yeah. All that we have, that's all we have to offer, which is a good, I think that's a good thing to offer. Yeah. I think it's solid. I like it. I enjoy listening to my own voice. So this is good for me. So are you okay with your own voice now? No, it's still, it still sounds ridiculous. Like I'm starting, I'm getting it. You know that's what we hear though. you might not, but that's what we hear. And the more I think about that, the worse it is. Like, how has no one just come up and punched me dead in the face? It's not bad. I don't think your voice is bad. I guess it's just so different. Like I was I was reading about it and why it is that way. I guess it's just so different that it's annoying to us. I don't know. I've gotten used to my voice. I'm okay with it. I sound like a boy. I don't, and like I've smoked a few cigarettes, Marge Simpson's sister. Patty. Yep. That's what I sound like. Yep. Okay. Alright, you want to get us started? What are we doing? Some fan mail updates. I guess we missed some shit. Yeah. We are, we ask people to send us fan mail. We beg for the stuff. And then we can't even be bothered to look in all the places where fan mail can come in. And then we ignore it and then we get mad cause we don't get the fan mail, right? I don't know what happens with us, but, on our, platform on our Buzzsprout there's a feature where you can just hit a fan mail and you can send us a text message fan mail, I think. And this one is from November 8th. Shut the fuck up. And it's me. Emily has sent us a. A nice hex. We're the worst. We are terrible. November 8th. What, it is, that is a series of weeks. is it my Emily with the I E? Yeah, it's me, Emily. Yeah, I've talked to Emily, I don't know, 17, 000 times since November 8th. And not acknowledged this in any manner whatsoever. She's probably been like, what a dick. I go through the effort of putting this here. I'm going out to lunch with her next weekend. So I will definitely mention it then. But anyway, go ahead. Emily mentions how the December tourney outdoors and heated items, she feels like she's a teensy bit her recommending those items. She hates that you're in Lancaster while they have to go to Richmond. Yeah. That happened already. Yeah. and at the Milan bubble in West Virginia, that place is the worst. And I couldn't agree more. Have you gone there? Yeah. Okay. This is where, I don't know, I can't remember if I told this story, but no one told me. it sounds familiar. Nobody told me it was cold. So I was there in a leather sweater and jeans. Because you're inside. It's like the, it's like the sunburn in the Rose Bowl. Why would I need sunscreen? I'm in the Rose Bowl. Why would the kids need to dress warm? We're inside. ha. And I was like, Oh, cause we're in fucking West Virginia. That's why. yeah, and then I had to borrow all the warm clothes off the moms that care and pay attention. Olivia had on half a glove. She's the one mom's I have an extra sock. I've definitely heard this. Olivia's playing with socks on her hands. Could my kid wear one of the socks? And, we're both awesome and amazing. She loves us. And now she wants Cinnabon. I don't know. Because that was, we were talking about you working at Cinnabon. It's tragic. It was either you working at Cinnabon or it was me leaving the Cinnabons, Cinnabon buns on the floor in Century 3 Mall because you wouldn't hold them. And I believe I said something like, you want them more than I do. I put them down and locked them away. Accurate. Accurate. It's one of my favorite stories ever. And that story also reminds me of the tobacco shop there that I sent you a text about. It was in the same place, right? It was around like the grotto, what I'd like to refer to as the grotto of the Century Three Mall. The fake stone floor. That's the best. I think that's where I went to poop. no, I went to Kaufman's, I went to Kaufman's to poop. Told that story before. like in Century Three Mall, that was like the Paris, like there were, cafe tables. Fancy street light, yeah. where you could eat your blizzard from the Dairy Queen there. Dairy Queen? Yeah. There was the tobacco shop, and there was a sticker shop there for a while. I really liked the sticker shop. Oh, we had to buy stickers all the time. I don't think kids these days really appreciate stickers I had a sticker book, though. Like I feel like all my friends had fancy sticker books, and I was just in their pocket stickers and put them on my door and and shit. Every, put them on every mirror that would piss mommy off. Oh, another fucking mirror, I'm gonna have to get that sticker off. Goddamn, I'm gonna have to get a razor blade, where do I even find one? let me ask you this before we get into our Gaster story and some other fan mail news. I know that you're on a hiatus from doing, online shopping. Yeah. Yeah. And I have to ask you what it is like to visit the Middle Ages. Are you okay? Oh my gosh. Do you need me to order stuff online for you? No, I'm so digging it actually. I've saved a shit ton of money because literally multiple times a day, I'm like, Ooh, I need that. And I would just go on Amazon and order it, pay zero attention to the budget, pay zero attention to how much it was. And then when I would do the budget and have to put it in the budget, boop. Also known as a checkbook online. I would be like, shit, fuck Fuck. I don't have money for that. I don't have money for that. ooh, oh my, how did I spend$300 and what? Oh, that's all the same date, shit. Wow. So it's actually very freeing because now I can do the budget every day without having a heart attack as to what I spent. Oh, I love it. Yes. So now I have a list that I have on my phone. That when I think of something that I want, I put it in there. By the time I have to go to the store, I'm able to remove 75 percent of the list. I've been keeping this list for a while, and I'm going to the store tonight, and I have three things I need to buy. And one of those I added today. Because I might join your bandwagon, just like all of your bandwagons, because they seem so fun when you're doing them. Because I bought this water bottle. Yeah, how many fucking water bottles do you have? I have a lot, but I needed this one. It's wondering. Right. I'm just, I'm in the same boat. This is, I'm not giving you shit. Yeah, I have a lot of water receptacle. This one, I will say the Ouala water bottles, the free sip with the straw and the chugging, mechanism. they're my favorite. But I have a green one that looks exactly like this. Exactly like it, except that it is green. I don't need this. Yes, excuse me. The way that echoed in my headphones. I feel like I haven't given a good one of those. I'm cutting it out. Oh, no, you're editing. No, I'm even in I'm editing this one Whoo. Yeah, you're not looking at me. Whoo Yeah, I see you. yeah, I highly recommend and I didn't I'm not online shopping because I'm boycotting anything I don't give a fuck. I am NOT online shopping so I can Not spend the money like this is the legit reason. I think it's a I think it's a good idea it doesn't matter It doesn't matter how much money you make or you have It is nice to keep the money rather than spend it on 30 water bottles that you do not need I hope David listens to this because I explained to him how much I needed that water bottle. I get it. It's like Noah's getting a new job, we gotta save a little bit of money, and I refuse to stop getting my eyelashes or my nails done. Yeah. it's prioritization. I think we're talking about that today. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. All right. other, important in mail notes, Jamie R. sent us a note and said that we can call her Rudder on the show. Ah, that's awesome. Jamie Rudder. Woo! Gay brother. Oh, it feels so good. It feels so good. Thank you, Rudder. It's so liberating. Oh. Thank God. Jamie Rudder. Jamie Rudder. Jamie Russer. Russer. Rudder. Rudder. Rudder. Rudder. Rudder. Rudder. Can't even get it right. Can't even get it right. And one, one final note, Kim D, have you checked on her? Can she come back, please? Yeah, I believe that you owe her an apology and she'll come back. Kim D, for whatever shitty face I made, or expression, or however I said Kim D, I didn't mean it, and I want you to come back, and I miss you, and, It was probably because my medicine ran out or I was hungry. I can back that up. Might have been a combination of both, which is fucking lethal. My god. Lethal. I don't take the medicine until later in the day now. I'm all for it. I feel like you're very agreeable right this moment. I like it. Yes. Because I'm asking somebody else to do something for me. KimD, come back and tell us how much you love us. Empty, we miss you and your potato drawings. All of it. All of it. Okay. All right. what are we doing? Gaster, our Gaster story. Yeah, what is it? I'm excited because I didn't, I don't think I looked. It didn't look. If I did, I don't remember. Piano lessons. Oh, that piano. I don't remember. I, yeah, I remember the piano. I didn't take the lessons. No, I took the lessons. I think I just banged on the piano like animals. That is why, you were a little younger, I was probably 5th grade, so how old were you? Like 10? You were maybe kindergarten, you were probably 5. Can you hold that thought real quick? Yes, Ellen. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry, piano lessons, me banging on the piano. Piano lessons. 5th grade, so I was in 1st grade? Kindergarten? Yeah. I wanna, no. I'm trying to remember cause I, I wanted to take piano lessons and I took them when I was really young. your mom told everyone like how young I was, taking piano lessons, like I was a prodigy. You were gonna be a prodigy for sure. I may have been eight ish. Let's say eight ish. I'm sure you were like fucking phenomenal at it because you just refused to be anything but. Which is amazing, We're gonna talk about that in a minute. Oh, I can't wait. I think I was eight. The problem was I had real tiny hands, cause I'm real tiny. Aw, little tiny hands. Like when I went to take the te the, to meet the teacher, she was like, normally we would wait for her hands to grow a little bit. Ooh, her hands are a bit tiny. This one is small. And why do our eyes do that? anyway, so it's time. Hold on. Uno is now wanting to be a part of the podcast. Uno, Ivan. Hello, Ivan. Show us your one eye. Show us your one eye. no, he's upset. I want to see his one eye. No, he's gone. He's gone. All right, piano lessons. I had wanted to take them forever, and I was really excited, and Nita was really excited. because she likes to do things for us, and give us things that, that she didn't have growing up. Um. piano lessons, making sure that we read, Shakespeare, making sure that we could go to the ballet, like doing fancy shit. I'd like that you say we. I mean me. Okay. Then, hey. you've required a different kind of energy. Yeah. You were a different child. Give her that bucket to bang on. Make her stop. Shut up. God, why she never sleeps? This one never sleeps. That one slept. This one never sleeps. I'm tired. But, Nita was all about me having piano lessons, so we needed to get a piano. And I think you will recall that we didn't have a whole ton of spare cash laying around to buy said piano. no. This was like in the middle of times where steel workers would go on strike and not get paid at all. So we didn't have a shit ton of money, but I recall that your dad took us to the fancy piano store. I remember the piano store. I feel like everything has a smell. every time I say something, I say, I could smell it. The piano store had a smell. There was a smell. I believe. Or was that the billiard store? Or were they the same thing? No, they definitely weren't the same thing. Same thing. Same concept. Different items. okay. There were billiard tables around. There were pianos around. It was a store. It was a store that sold things that were expensive. So your dad puts on his expensive buying voice. And I know that you know exactly what I'm talking about. When I say his expensive buying voice and what you could do back in the day was you could get a piano and you could try it in your home for 90 days, but then you had to give it back or you had to buy it. And their thought was, if you had it in your home and your children were playing it, there's no way you're gonna, you're gonna want to send it back. and that piano was awesome. It was at the top of our stairs, we had a split level house, so it was at the top of the landing right in front of the kitchen. And I would sit there and I'd practice my piano and play my piano and I'd have my little Catholic schoolgirl outfits on playing the piano, doing everything that my mother didn't get to do when she was my age. thank you Nita for making it all possible, but they came and they took that piano away. So then I didn't have any piano to practice on, which makes it hard to play the piano. Jumbo searches through The classified ads and he finds a piano for sale that these people had apparently kept in a damp basement. It had mold on it. I can smell that too. Just a damp basement. I can smell it. Yes. And for it was an upright piano, so it didn't have, it wasn't like a grand piano, like it had all the strings were up in the air. So your dad refinished all of the wood and it was beautiful. Like he did a great job when he set his mind to stuff like that. It was. Fantastic. Like it, it went from being an ugly eyesore, but your dad also had to go to someplace in like McKeesport or Duquesne and move a piano with, I think, just his bare hands and the two of us. I have no recollection of how this piano got out of these people's basement and into a pickup truck. I'm not even sure we had two cars then, a Reliant K Car, cool, a Reliant Automobile. The K, into a K car? I'm not sure. but there it is transported to our house. Can you see the K car driving along with the upright piano just on the top of it? In the truck. In the truck. I don't know. I don't know. I want to think that we had already, your dad had already purchased a car or a truck for pulling campers that was older than you. that was the thing. it was, this was a truck from the 1970s, 60s maybe. Anyway. So we get it, Jumbo restores it, it looks beautiful, I'm super happy to play it. and the guy, it needed tuned. Obviously it needed new strings and needed tuned. And needed everything. The guy that came to tune the piano was a blind guy. And I thought that was the most fascinating thing on the planet. I was like, this is amazing. Of course, he's going to be able to tune the piano. He can't see. But I think he had like a helper and we're going to have to, we're going to have to go to the, have to go to the tape on this and get Nina and Jumbo to weigh in. I can't remember how he figured out. I don't remember how he got there. Like, how do you get there? You don't drive. So like we can call them. We can call them right now. Remember that one episode when we called them? Yeah, but we'd have to get them, we'd have to, eh, no. we could call them. I'm not going to do it. Okay, no. No. okay, finally I have my piano and it doesn't come upstairs like the other piano, like the other studio piano. This one is downstairs in our basement, which we talked about in a couple of previous episodes that had red shag carpet, looked like the floor is lava, literally. Yeah. And a fake fireplace with the logs in it that had the little paper that made noise when it flopped. So now I'm into the piano lessons and. At first it was nice, it was like, I really enjoyed it and reading music was fun and learning about the notes. and then because I am the way that I am, but we didn't realize I am the way that I am back then. I got bored with playing the piano. And then it was just a series of fights, between me and your mom about practicing the piano. did you practice your piano? No, I didn't practice my piano. Because I want to do 19 other new things that aren't the piano and then it got to be where piano lessons were on Thursday And I would start being anxious about the piano lessons on a Monday I wouldn't practice like and then it would get to Tuesday or Wednesday and I would try to learn the whole piece by Thursday before I had to go to piano lessons and Like it was awful and I was like 11 11 and your mom would be like Why don't you just practice? And I was like, I forgot. I don't want to. Plus I don't want to. Plus I don't, plus I don't want to. And it, it got harder, like the longer You have to, progress. I don't remember the music books. I would like the long one. The, landscape one. Oh, yeah. And I couldn't tell you what was in it, but I know that one of them was a landscape and that's the one I liked. And I knew how to play one song and I didn't learn, I never learned how to read music because that was just too much. But I just learned how to play one song and I can't even remember, I wish I remembered what it was. I, Christmas time, cause I could play, we could skip the, we could skip the lessons and we could just play fun Christmas songs. that would be my lesson would be to learn the Christmas songs. Yeah. I like that. I'm typing into Google right now, Landscape, Landscape, Piano Lesson Book. the song that I know is the one that everybody knows. I'm getting a text message from a number that has 17, 000 digits that's telling me I need to pay E ZPass immediately. Oh, I got that one earlier this week. Can I just send back a middle finger or will that still give them access to my shit? I don't know how it works anymore. I responded the people who were asking me about the house, if we wanted to sell it. I asked them for five million dollars. They never got back to me. Are you interested in selling? Yes, sure. Five million. So what we need, that's what we need. But, okay, back to the anxiety of the piano lessons. Yes. But, I, I would, I just started dreading, Thursday. And it, wasn't that I didn't like the piano, and it wasn't that I didn't want to play the piano. I was just done with it. And I, I also then could not explain to your mother that I wanted to quit taking the piano lessons. Because, she didn't want me to quit taking the piano lessons. And then I had to go and I had to fess up and it was awful because you could see on her face that she did not want me to quit the piano lessons. And she was like, it's tough to break mommy's heart. It really is. It really is. Awful experience. Also, piano lessons makes me think of the 1980s. Because do you remember how I would get to piano lessons? You probably walked. I rode my bike. I rode my bike. Where was your, where were the piano lessons? They were, it was still in Oak Hill. So I think the second dead end maybe. So I rode my bike and I had my piano book like tucked into the reflector in the front and it ripped like the cover of the piano book and I remember your dad being upset by that. Wow. God damn it. This is why we can't have nice things. Look at this. We ruined everything. But I didn't want to, I needed both hands to ride the bike. Yeah, of course you did. And I It makes sense. I also remember once or twice where your mom and dad forgot to come pick me up at piano lessons. you just rode your boat. Your boat. You just rode your boat. Why don't you ride your boat home? And the winter, I couldn't ride my bike. Okay. All right. They had to drop me off. Put your boots on and start walking. that, at one point I was like, the piano lesson lady, who was very nice, and I cannot remember her name. She's should I call your mom? I was like, I'm not the grown up here. Great, I don't, what do you think? you could drive me home. She was like, I'll call your mom. You could kick me out. I could walk, it's like 3 o'clock, and it's dark. Kidnapped. Either way, whatever, but eventually, there's Uno. Hey, Uno! Eventually, your mom, took the piano lessons for herself. Yeah, she enjoyed the piano lessons. Yeah, which I thought was probably the best outcome. And I really enjoyed that for her. Just like when we went to the library and got books, your mom read Shakespeare and she read Steinbeck. And what a, I love that for our mom, that she got to, that she got to do a lot of things that she didn't get to do as a kid because she got out of her small hometown. So good job, Nita. I wanted to expose us to things, expose you to things, because I'm fairly certain I wasn't allowed in the library. Just tired. You had it. You had it. Too loud. You had other gifts. You had other gifts. I also had to go to brownies, which I didn't like either. I didn't do that. less excited. Everything you did, I didn't have to do. I did like the dance for a second, I, and then they saw that and they were like, yeah, that's not. No. Then I tried gymnastics and they saw that and they were like, ooh, yeah, that's not, it's not gonna work. Yeah. The only thing that stuck was soccer. I didn't get to do the gymnastics. I don't, I'd wanted to, cause Heather's It was up at Blainhill fire hall. Oh yeah. We did. Did we both do the baton twirling? You did the baton twirling and I was super jealous cause you had those cowboy boots that had the tassels on front of them and I wanted them so bad. My God. Would have killed myself that baton. Oh my God. And I recall, New Horizons, was that the name? New Horizons. Yeah, the uniforms were brown and yellow. Yes. Very hip. Very sexy. Those fucking boots with those tassels, what the fuck, I just, I can remember you being in a parade and me sitting on the sideline and wanting those boots. That's what I was going to do when I grew up. And when I got to your age, I was like, no, that's, don't want it. Do that. I know you don't remember this, but those boots were made for girls with skinny legs. So you had the calf problem even when you were little. My, I have always been sturdy, I think is the way we say it. I've always been sturdy, and those boots were narrow and made for someone who was much less sturdy. Less sturdy. So the tops of the cowboy boots rubbed against my calves. Oh god. The blisters that I had. The thing is like you, you were suffer in silence. this is again where we are so opposite. Like you were suffer in silence. As soon as I felt the slightest bit of uncomfortable, I would lose my fucking shit. Everybody knew about it. You, your foot, like those. Those boots could have sliced your foot off and you would have continued to wobble and been like, no, it's fine. I Don't draw any attention to yourself dear Lord And the thing was like if you got tired like we were five we were babies Like we didn't learn any baton routines We just did the thing we just flip it back and forth for an hour and a half during the parade You were definitely older than five, because I remember it. Okay, yeah. it was right around the same time. we weren't doing a, nothing was catching on fire. no one was, say, flipping or anything. we weren't letting go of them. We weren't throwing them into the air and catching them. if you got tired, or you didn't, you just didn't want to do it anymore, they had, a little cart, and they would put you in the cart, and you can ride in the cart, and wave. I don't remember the cart. Except you had to say something about how miserable you were. I was going to say, you never rode in the cart. You were jealous of the girls who rode in the cart. I was. I was like, I'm going to ride in the cart. no, instead I will have the top of the boot shaped cuts. Scabs on my legs. Bleeding into the boot. I can see it. Or I can. For sure. I read a quote today that said, in some parts of our mind, we measure the depth of our love by the amount that we will tolerate. Yeah. And I was like, I need to get that tattooed right on my goddamn chest. Or on your feet. Right over that blister. Right over that scar. Depth of how much I love these shoes. How much I will tolerate my love of my shoes is in blood. No problem. I'm not scared. so yeah, thank you, Nita and Jumbo for doing all of that to make sure that I could take piano lessons, even though I didn't appreciate it at the time. and I'd like to note, like we mentioned earlier, the striking of the, the steel workers and how they wouldn't get paid and shit like that, and how we didn't have a lot of money. The thing is, Nita and Jumbo were such great parents. I don't know about you, Christine, but I never had a fucking clue that we didn't have money. Never. Never? we went and got food stamps, and I still didn't even, I didn't know that wasn't normal. I was like, yeah, alright, fine, I don't give a shit. Awesome. Do we get to go to the store and get, fucking fruit, Fruit Loops with that? Awesome, great. Sounds great. yeah, I never had a clue that we didn't have money. I never felt a lack of anything. I think the only time was probably one of the last times your dad went on strike and I had to be like 12 or 13, like junior high age. And I wanted to go roller skating in industry. And I had to. Collect, enough coins to make that possible. I think it was like a dollar 25 to get in and a dollar 25 to rent skates. So I had to go through and collect a bunch of quarters and then call somebody and be like, Hey, I have$2 and 50 cents of change. Can I go now? that is the extent of it. Yeah. Yeah. We never wanted for anything. We never, nope. I never felt like we were any less than anybody else. So I get good job guys. Well done. Love you guys. Well done. Amen. All right, are we moving on to the book now? We're moving on to mental wellness in chapter 9. Okay, we're gonna cover chapter 9 and 10 of the first rule of mastery. I don't know about you guys, but personally, I have never really wondered about how the brain perceives reality. Like I was just like, yeah, it does, right? I guess I'm just naive that way, like I just don't think about some of that stuff. Amazingly enough, it turns out it's not quite as simple as that. It's not quite as simple as it just does. Our perception isn't just passive observation, it's a really complex process. Who knew? And that complex process is shaped by our beliefs and experiences. The brain doesn't merely register what's in front of us. It actively constructs our reality through a filter of beliefs and expectations. Again, I was like, what, I thought you just saw it, right? I don't know. isn't just what in front of you, but no, it's influenced by the context, by past experiences. And what's amazing is it's also influenced by what we think is going to happen next. And one thing I thought interesting, if you think about it, when you get new information, when new information comes your way, our brains aren't saying, come on in. Let me look at you from all aspects. Let me look at you super neutrally. It doesn't really work that way. And another surprise for you is. We are not big fans of surprises. Our brains don't handle that well. We like to be little predictive machines and constantly guess what's gonna happen based on, again, our past experiences. So in this chapter, there were a couple of stories about perception. Did you read the chapter? I did. Yeah. So the first one, maybe you can help me because I don't understand it. Okay. Okay, good. It's the dress one, do you know what I'm talking about? So it's the dress one that goes viral. The mom sends her daughter two pictures of dresses for the wedding and the daughter's oh, did you pick the white and black one? And she was like, no, I picked the red and blue one. And it's this same dress. But they both see it, somehow, this ended up on Ellen. It started a big debate. So many people saw two, saw blue and red, or whatever the colors were. And other people saw the white and black, or white and gold, or whatever the other colors were. And it, it went viral. I don't, I still don't understand that. like a, to me, a color is a color. Unless you're color blind. And I don't think they're color blind. was that explain more and I just missed it, or? That there was like a sentence about it because I had the same thought while I was listening to that story I was like, yeah, how is the break don't like I get the story like it's about perception And I like thank you for that story. But during your telling of the story. I am distracted by why don't why? Why do we see two different things? Yeah Like that. here's why. my shirt here is pink, but if I turn off my monitor, if I change the lighting, the color of my shirt changes a little bit. It's still pink. But you can see the difference. if I hold this. Bottle up here. It's a real, real white, but it's actually pink because there was a little bit of a pink shadow from your sweatshirt, but the way the light hits, it has a big impact on how you see that, that color. And there are some colors that are more affected by that than others. And it turns out coincidence of all coincidences. It is that sort of color combination that. Changes, depending on the light that hits it and the way that you've seen that color combination with that amount of light before. So it's fucking nuts, right? It's fucking nuts. It's right. So your brain makes an assumption that either there's a lot of light shining directly on that dress and it's all washed out in white. Or, your brain makes the assumption that it's deep in the shadows, and that's why you're looking at two different colors. It's fucking baffling. It's so baffling. Baffling to me. Like when you look at a flat image, picture this in your head, like a paper plate with different sections. Are we in Sicily? I'm just wondering. I'm picturing it as it's not Sicily. Okay, go ahead. 1942. If you look at that, you're like, that's the holes or the indentations go down. But, if you flip that over, the shadows are almost identical, but reversed. It just depends on the assumption your brain makes first. That's what Nuts. Completely nuts. It is. So the other one is the basketball one with the gorilla. Oh, I don't remember that one. Okay, so they have, there's multiple people, they're dressed in either black or white, and they have a basketball and they're passing it to each other and they're moving around and you're told to watch the video and count how many times they pass the ball. So I actually. I watched the video after I read about it. So I knew what was happening, but I invited Noah to watch it because I was, I wanted to see what will happen. So he counted the amount of times that they passed it. He was like 15. And I said, Did you notice the gorilla that walked through them? And he was like, yeah, but apparently like 50 percent of people who watch that had no fucking clue. A group, a gorilla walked through them as they're passing the ball. Your brain is crazy. First of all, I was like, I think that's really dangerous. Like, why are we putting a gorilla in with these people who are throwing basketballs? It's not a real gorilla. It wasn't a real gorilla. It was somebody dressed in a gorilla costume. That's really dangerous. But yeah, that was, again, fucking baffling to me. So this, I guess it shows that we have that selective perception there. And also, it's not just what we see, but it's also about how we interpretate, interpret other people's opinions, which is what we've been talking about. We often assume that we know what other people are thinking, and it's obviously not always the truth. In fact, most of the time, it's not the truth at all. And especially when it comes to acceptance and rejection, our minds work complete over time. Because we try to anticipate what others are thinking and avoid, do things that would avoid the rejection and increase the acceptance. So it's like a little psychological dance that we're doing. Where the insecurities and desires are really shaping our perceptions. And especially when shit's under threat. Oh, what's going on over there? Sorry, I dinged my water bottle. Fuck that water bottle. So under threat, we really cling to those things. So when the acceptance is challenged, we dig even deeper. And that reinforces those made up convictions that we've come up with. Makes sense. So the one thing it talks about is interpersonal expectancy effect. So it's when our beliefs about others. About what others expect shape us from no, let me read again It's when our beliefs about what others expect from us shape the behavior So it's in a way that we're creating our own reality, right? I can't do that. No one expects me to do that, right? We're creating a real reality based on what our brain has already decided Which is super dumb when you think about it, right? Yeah, it's limiting In a way that's not fun at all. So and then he touched on confirmation bias, but I feel like we talked about that in one of the other chapters too, didn't we? Okay. Yeah. So I'm not really gonna. There's a lot of crossover. overlapping themes in this one of being open minded and not assuming that you can read somebody's mind, I think, and how that comes back inside your own brain. what's the next step after we decide I can't read somebody's brain? Yeah, and that's what, like, how he ends this chapter is, the good news here is that we have a choice. now that we know that our brains are doing this fucked up shit, we now have the opportunity to decide how we're going to view the moment. So are we going to view each moment through a lens of what happened in the past? Or are we going to treat it like it is a new moment? And embrace that. So that's the good thing, is that we have that choice. It's, this conversation feels really familiar. Because I think we, we did a lot of talking about perception when we were talking about meditation. Sorry, you have to cut that coughing out. when we were talking about meditation. And how the lights on the Christmas tree are lights on the Christmas tree only because my brain perceives them as lights on the Christmas tree. Like, the way that we interpret what's happening to us is really filtered by what our brains think about that piece of consciousness. And it's the same thing here. Like we think that we're expected to do X, Y, or Z because something in our past has said you can only do X, Y, and Z. Don't do that unexpected thing because no one will like you. And then don't wear that pair of socks. Be coven. Don't. Don't write, don't tell everybody you're deaf. Beethoven, did you know that Benjamin Franklin killed, Beethoven? Say what? No. That's com compiracy theory. It might be. It might be. Benjamin Franklin invented a instrument called the, harmonica, or glass harmonica. and you would take the glasses and filled them up with water and do this whirly thing on the top, except he turned that into an instrument somehow. Okay. The glass was always full of lead. Beethoven liked the instruments and he played it all the time and then he died. Of lead poisoning. Benjamin Franklin killed Beethoven. Wow. Bit of a stretch, but there you are. History fact. Feel free to omit. That's really interesting. It's almost as wow, really? As when I found out John Holmes killed somebody or was involved in a murder. I was like, what? I was like, wait a minute. Dirk Diggler? anyway, so here was my nugget of truth from chapter 9, that you can change. You are not necessarily locked into a behavior. People can change. People are not necessarily going to do exactly what you think they're going to do based on your brain. And if you approach things with an open mind, you give yourself more options, which I think was the fundamental thing that Jumbo wanted to leave us with growing up as children. Give yourself options to grow and be the person that you want to be. And finally, just because it is, doesn't mean that it always has to be. So you can continue to take in new information and you can continue to say, I don't think The hardest part. I don't think that, everyone will hate me because I'm deaf. And even if they hate me, I just am deaf. So just what it is. I'm not gonna assume the worst. Again, all this shit's hard. it sounds easy. Oh yeah. Beethoven, get yourself out there. Don't worry about your career. It's fine. You'll be fine. It's not my career. Don't get yourself that instrument that will eventually kill you. You're fine. You'll be best friends with Ben Franklin. Do you know Ben Franklin? Yeah, let me introduce you. I thought Beethoven was like hundreds and hundreds of years before Ben Franklin. I think that is maybe. The age, ages of people around, in that aren't my age, it's like geography to me. Zero concept. Zero. As far as I'm concerned, any president before Reagan, they were all, they all lived at the same time. I don't fucking know when they lived. Maybe before Kennedy. I feel like I maybe knew around then. But, before that, fuck, I don't know. Yeah. I'm so you even saying that. Like you had an inkling, is amazing to me. Things this podcast is good at. Not geography. Not history. No. Not accurate fact checking. None of us. No, I did, I did our last live podcast today with Dan Harris and, who was on? what's her name? Because I really liked her. So I'm gonna look up her name. Her name is Sharon McMahon. Are you aware of Sharon McMahon? So she is, she's a history lady and she was fucking spectacular. I have absolutely no idea why I started talking about it. None. Because we're bad. We're bad at history. Ha! Yeah. Bad at history. Because she was talking about history and I so badly wanted to comment. Damn. I wish I paid attention to history like before the last few years. And that's all the history we're paying attention to. If it happened in the 90s. Wish I was paying attention to Mr. Kochenar. Damn it. Oh my god. Anyway. Alright. So let's move on to Chapter 10 because Chapter 10 is a bit, it was very interesting to me. The name of the chapter is Social Beings Masquerading as Separate Selves. So it starts out with a prisoner's dilemma, which in essence is where you're in a high stakes game and your outcome depends not just on what you do, but what somebody else does. It's like a psychological tug of war. And you have to decide whether you want to make that selfish decision that's going to maximize your personal gain at the expense of the group or Do you act cooperatively to strengthen the collective, even if that means giving up a little bit of your personal advantage? It's yeah. Prisoner still, it seems to be named properly and most people, again, I am just shocking you guys with the facts here today. Most people go the selfish route. Amazing. Amazing. So this chapter really talks about how. We're not individuals who have learned to be social. We are actually social animals who have learned to identify as individuals. Our biology, our emotions, even our survival instincts were all wired for connection. And yet we live in our culture that promotes the independence, self sufficiency and individual achievement over. That collective well being. Christine, you have your hand up. I wanted to talk just a tick more about the prisoner's dilemma. Yeah. when you present it to people like, Hey, if you make this choice, you get more stuff, and somebody else gets, slightly less. Then, People overwhelmingly choose the selfish route, which is funny because if you then spin it to something like, Hey, this isn't a prisoner's dilemma. This is the community game. if you change it to, if you change it to that, if you turn it into something that is designed to foster social connections, if you remind the dumb ass human brain that we are in fact social, then he makes a different decision. But it's so funny to me that, that humans always need reminding that we need each other. Even though we feel internally so shitty when we continue to cut ourselves off from making those connections. And I think he talks a little bit about his experience being a disconnected, 11 year old or 12 year old. And how It just feels shitty, but I'm missing something, But we're all about like social media. We're all about me getting the likes. Like we're all about Kardashians. Sorry, Kardashians. You're I'm sure you're lovely human beings, but we are constantly bombarded by this me until someone reminds us that, you're a social person and then something just clicks. I know, which is why I think I liked this chapter because, As dumb as it sounds, I was like, that makes sense. Like I've always been a person who was like, Oh, I hate people. I'd like to be by myself, which I mean, these things are not untrue. I like to be by myself. I do actually like people, but yeah, so this was eyeopening. And I, by the time I'm done reading it and by the time I start like preparing notes for it, I'm thinking, wow, how is this like a revelation for me? This should not be a revelation at the age of 46, right? Yeah, it was this, the same thing, as I'm, and I listened to the book in the car, as I'm listening to this, I was like, yeah, I'm picking the, I'm picking the selfish thing, especially if it's one person that's going to suffer. I got to choose, so I'm going to pick the selfish thing. and then when you would call it a community game, I would 100 percent have changed my answer. I'd have been like, oh, that's the frame, that's the sack we're putting this in, Yeah. Yeah. And being able to identify that, yeah, when I'm cut off, when I'm, when I spend too much time in my house by myself doing myself things, then yeah, I do start to feel a little shitty. Yeah. And it, even then it's hard for me to recognize it's time to get out and do something social. Yeah. It's still difficult. And I think it's good to know, like these again are things that aren't easy, but. Now that we know these things, even though I feel like we should have known them a long time ago, it makes it a little bit slightly easier to make those decisions. today I had a conversation with Owen that kind of goes along with this, that makes me feel like I need to do a lot of work. I asked him how he felt about something, cause I wanted his opinion because I'm trying to be curious. And he said, I don't care. It doesn't affect me. And then I cried. Oh, why did you cry? Because your kid isn't entitled to have I was like, dude, that could affect, like, how What? that could be you one day. that could affect you. I'm gonna tell a story. Do you remember when we were at a soccer tournament and Olivia grabbed that girl by the hair and punched her in the face? Oh yeah, I Their brains aren't done cooking yet. So they are way more, they are way more susceptible to all of these things. They'll get there eventually. Don't cry. It was just, I thought it was, I thought it was funny that, that conversation happened today. And I was like, fuck. God, a lot more parenting to do here. Fucking failed. Which is exactly what I thought when Olivia grabbed that girl and punched her in the face. I was like, oh, alright. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Alrighty. Yeah, there's some, there's time. There's time. We'll figure it out. We got it. So anyway, let's get back to FOPO. yeah. chapter 10. So in order to, there's a couple of things that we can do that goes along with the whole connected thing that helps us to combat FOPO. The first one is a genuine love and care for others well being, contributing to the social fabric that our biology is built for, that connection. The second is a commitment to act in alignment with our purpose, values, and goals. Because when we do that, external validation starts to matter less. Again, super easy shit that I'm like, obviously, yes, all of us are born a hundred percent having purpose, values, and goals really clear. So aligning with them is. Super easy. Wildly easy. Okay, yeah. That's, so that's not easy. At all. I, yeah. Yeah, that one's not easy. I thought the first bit, a little bit more interesting, having deep love and care for others well being and that social fabric, because that's the, it leads into the second one. when we line up what our. Bodies and brains naturally need, which is to be connected to other human beings. We're happier. And a lot of what we hear from the outside, a lot of the external is, Oh, you're a lone wolf. I don't need anybody to succeed. Why do I, why would I rely on anyone for my success when I can do it on my own? I am a rebel. I am a cowboy. And in fact, these are myths created by advertisers for the most part. Yeah. And that's what, like the next part that I, that he talks about is like the modern obsession with self care. obviously we like self care. Self care is good if we're looking at it the right way. If you're picking up all the books and Barnes and Noble that say, you can do everything by yourself, alone, you don't need anybody that's, that's not gonna, it's not gonna help because when you're so focused on your personal happiness, you're missing out on what. What truly fulfills us as human beings, which is that connectedness. Did you, when you were a teenager or a young adult, did you read The Fountainhead? Sorry, I didn't start reading until I was 31. And it was Twilight, I remember. And it was Twilight. I just watched those movies this weekend. God. Anne Rand wrote The Fountainhead. She's a, like a mid century philosopher, right? And her philosophy is, if you are constantly and unapologetically working in your own self interest, you will benefit society, but you have to be working in your own self interest all the time. how we talk about doing good deeds just to do good deeds and how we do good deeds to make ourselves feel better, like when I'm reading this, I'm like, I have my fountainhead philosophy and this is why I asked you if you read it when you were like a teenager or a young adult, because that's usually when people find it, because they're like, this tells me I can be a complete shithead and still be a productive member of society. And that's not quite what it's saying at all. it turns out that the guy in the book is a shithead. But, he's also He's a shithead. it, he is. It's the crux of the book. Is that this guy's a, an asshole. He's a Frank Lloyd Wright esque kind of guy. Okay. And he's constantly looking for projects to do that feed his need to create. Which is that. And need to expand. Yeah. But he inadvertently creates a, a public housing, complex that, that really works. So he's constantly feeding his own self interest, but he's also doing things that benefit society. And there's like a foil in the book where there's a, there's a girl who just gives herself, she's doing charity work. She's constantly exhausted because she's doing things that she doesn't really care about that much. She doesn't really believe in it, but this is what she's supposed to be doing. as I sat and thought a little bit with the fountainhead and Unapologetic self interest and looking at, being connected and contributing in good ways and lining up your values. I think that they both work because as long as you're, as long as you're acting in a way that, that does benefit society and you're acting in a way that lines up your values and you're unapologetic about it, then these things all work. The guy in the book is a dick, but he's true to being a dick. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. he's creating those connections with a very specific few people who can take his work and make it work for the masses. So you get that, to me, it's he's doing all those little things, like it ends up to be that cycle that kind of goes back to not being fully sustainable. And yeah, in his case, which I'm sure, like you said, it happens that these good things do happen. And then you go to the. the woman who's just doing things because she thinks that's what she's supposed to be doing, that's where you need to find that connection to make it more sustainable, the connection to your purpose. And then to me, that's where self, like the self care that we want to focus on comes into play because if you're just doing shit. To get your wheels running and that's exhausting you, you're, it's not going to really be the best for anybody. yeah, there is a level of self care we have to take, I guess it's kind of cliche, but we can't take care of other people if we're not taking care of ourselves. there's a lot of, there's a lot of contradictions. Yeah, that you could create from this chapter, going back to lining up what you're doing with who you are and your values and that, that may be, and I think he gets more into this later in the book, hopefully being able to identify when something is feeding who you are inside and when something is. draining you is one of the ways that we take care of ourselves. Like I don't have to be a part of every community. I don't have to be a part of communities where people think I need to be a part of. I don't have to be a PTA mom if that's not feeding me. I don't have to run the soccer clubs because it's not a good fit for me. That doesn't make me a bad person. That makes me aware of what feeds my personality. And the same, I don't know, maybe this doesn't go in with it, but like the same on the other side of it, I feel like I say, yeah, I'm on the booster board and people are like, how would you do that? Why do you get talked into that stuff? And and I'm like, cause no one else wants to do it. No, I do it because I actually do enjoy it. I like it. I enjoy being a part of that group and I enjoy that what I'm contributing is helping that group. And I shouldn't, we shouldn't just immediately be like, Oh, yeah, because we had to. It's not really what it's about. Yeah. And I think there's, and you're probably going to get a little more into some of these things as we go, as we talk more about the chapter. Always feeling like you have to prove yourself to, to other people. I don't, I'm not on this thing because I have to prove myself to somebody else. I'm on this because I think I can do a good job at it. I'm doing this because I think that I want to take care of whatever it is that needs to be taken care of. We're independent people that need other people to socialize with, to talk to, to be a part of something bigger than yourself. And I think that's also one of the keys from this chapter that I wrote down is that having something beyond ourselves means that we're able to look beyond that external validation. Like I don't need this group to validate me. I don't need this group to tell me I'm doing things right. I need this group to see me as who I am. And I think that is, is the trick. I don't need the group to validate me. I need the group to be a part of, And that's what, that's the next thing on my list here to talk about is impostors. No, that's okay. No, it's perfect. Cause this is, this is how it should be. This is the shit we should be talking about. So he talks about impostor syndrome, which I know that both of us have thought ourselves plenty of times. And he just notes here that, it's exhausting. It's exhausting always feeling like you need to prove yourself to someone else. And really when you're focusing too much on proving your own worth. You're actually like shifting from that collaboration to competition, which then obviously is going to go nowhere as far as the greater goal as a group. I can't let them find out that I'm not as good as they think I am. Yeah. Yeah. I, a hundred times. Yeah. I think we even talked about it a couple of weeks ago. so me at work being like, Oh, it's fine if I'm second, it's, I'm just always going to be second. That way I don't have to worry about anyone figuring out that I'm not. Exactly. Really is good. Great. I don't have to try to be first. it's fine. I'm fine. I'm always gonna compete and be second. Yeah. Or I could just be who I am and do the stuff that needs to get done and everything is much easier in my stupid brain. And that's the thing is we cause ourselves so much grief, man, we fuck ourselves, like I've been fucking myself over for 46 years and I still do it. I don't know why. I still do it. I did it yesterday. I asked Owen or Noah a question, again, trying to be curious and then he said like his response and I was like, All right, never mind. That wasn't right. Never mind. I was doing it again. I was doing it again. It's, I did it today several times. I guess the difference is we're working on it and becoming aware of it. Aware. Being aware. Yeah. Again, mindfulness, looking at it and being like, Hey! Yeah, that's a thought. Here. You feed, you can feed it or you cannot feed it, so you choose. So I think you touched upon this about there's the real question is are we independent people who happen to associate with one another, or does real meaning come from being in service to something bigger than ourselves? And really, if you think about it, at the end of the day, no one does it alone. Like truly you might. I think that you've done it all by yourself, but I still feel like there's, there, there's something else there. And especially, you're not going to do it to the best of your ability, maybe, was what I'm trying to say. If you're just relying on yourself, you could be a little bit better if you get into that collaborative swing of things, and when we're talking about something bigger than ourselves, we're not necessarily talking about the entire connected universe. yeah, like we're not ending world hunger. Like for me, something bigger than myself is making sure that the shit I do at work has as a connectedness to all of the other people that do the same job I do. the way that I find this at work, the way that I'm happiest at work is if I'm like, Hey, I did this thing and it worked out really great. And if we do this, I can see three steps down the line where this is really going to benefit all of us. And whoever wants to take credit can take credit. Yeah. But I want us to, I want us collectively as a group of people who work in this organization to be able to do things better. So I am going to take my ideas and share them with you. And that's what, like, when you're, when you move beyond, when we take a purpose that moves beyond ourselves, we're really getting into a deeper awareness of the interconnectedness. that's pretty much wraps up the chapter, embracing the fact. That we're not separate beings, that we need to start embracing this, the fact that we're, we've always been social beings and having that inner connectedness and we can do more. Yes, I think that getting back to purpose driven and performance driven, right? Like the performance driven dynamic just pushes you to compete with the people next to you. Like the performance driven is always measure, compare, measure, compare, measure, compare. what if I win this, then I'm going to be good enough. If I beat this thing, then I'm good enough. Where the purpose driven and more of the connected kind of spirit is. how can we all make this work? Like it pulls out, I don't have to compete against you because fundamentally I know what's important to me, and what's important to me is maintaining some connection with the people around me. And if I can strive to make everybody around me a little bit better, then I automatically get better. And you don't do that by just doing what you think will please everybody else. It's not being a people pleaser. It's working together. There's a huge difference between being a part of a group and contributing in a way that makes sense by providing different things than everybody else is providing. Then being a part of a group and just being like, I'm in the cool group. There's a big difference. I must maintain my space in the cool group where it. if you're striving to always maintain your space in the cool group, if you're volunteering because somebody feels like you have to volunteer and you're making like 85 knitted hats and you don't feel connected to those little hats, then your connectedness isn't the way that, that it should be. You're still looking for that external validation rather than finding what drives you in that group. I have, I have two more questions for you. Okay. These are off topic, so we've concluded our chapters for today. Next time, you will be tackling the last section that we have to look at in the book, which is redefine. Yay! I was telling someone about chicken and zoobies. For anyone who hasn't heard, our mom used to call our vaginas chickens and our boobs zoobies. She sometimes called our teeth zoobies too, so it was confusing. I feel like I've asked the question, and I don't know if it's one of those where I ask the question, and I just don't care about the answer enough to remember it, or if I've never asked the question, like, where did these two terms come from? Need his head. Need his head. Okay, so we need to ask Mommy, like, where was this from her childhood? Now, I have a theory. about, the chicken and the fact that the hoo ha looks a bit like chicken skin. Okay, we're done. We're done. I don't give a fuck about Zubbies. I'm done. I can't talk about it anymore. Alright everybody, we're going to wrap it up and we have a little closing tagline that we're going to start using. It's not just, I love you? No. Don't forget to stay curious and keep laughing. Or you can continue to interrupt me as I try to deliver it. I'm sorry, I just wanted to say I love you before you deliver it. Please deliver. Yeah, I was going to do I love you after the deliverance. oh, I didn't. Okay. Don't forget to stay curious and keep laughing. That's it. Love you. Love you.